


The Ramblings of A Lunatic

by bitxh



Series: Fics I Wrote After My Idiot Brain Couldn't Stop Thinking About A Tumblr Post [2]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Inspired By Tumblr, Jaskier | Dandelion Being a Feral Bastard, Jaskier | Dandelion Has a Past, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Soft Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Soft Jaskier | Dandelion, Timeline What Timeline, author is sleep deprived and unreliable, i say it outright then, i took an already messy timeline and said ok now my turn, it's established in chapter four, like im not sure the timeline makes sense, they get together at some point idk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22795963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitxh/pseuds/bitxh
Summary: once again inspired by a tumblr post! this one is a post by pleasesupplymewithyourwahoos and it's basically jaskier getting drunk and being like "lmao geralt cant believe you still think my name's jaskier" and then the goblin that lives in my brain insisted i give it plot, and now i have like 3k written for this and honestly i am exhausted. also I looked up midieval insults for this!
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: Fics I Wrote After My Idiot Brain Couldn't Stop Thinking About A Tumblr Post [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1638892
Comments: 33
Kudos: 350





	1. there is like zero plot yet fair warning

**Author's Note:**

> (the title has nothing to do with the story im just a lunatic) ok so this can be seen as related to my last fic? the braincell one. or it can be seperate. you don't have to read that one to understand this one. also i am not sure how this fits in with the actual witcher timeline. so just be warned i basically made my own. subsequently i almost named this 'Sloppy Timeline for Sloppy Bitches', the timelines not super important just take everything at face value and you wont be confused.

It had been a fairly simple hunt. They were back to the inn just as the sun was setting, for once Geralt wasn’t entirely covered in guts and mud. Jaskier was thrilled with both of these things, and was singing loudly as they made their way in. 

He continued singing as Geralt found them a table in the corner. The bard had put a hat down that he seemed to always have with him but never wore, and soon it was filled with coin.

These people were already thoroughly drunk or were in insanely high spirits. Either way things were going well; no one approached Geralt, except the barmaid to give him a drink, she even flashed him a quick smile. Jaskier played for the better part of an hour, and when he had decided he had enough he sat next to Geralt with his cheeks flushed and his eyes a bit glazed. He always looked like that after a good performance, riding some high that only an adoring audience could give him.

Jaskier looked exhausted as he had made his way over to the Witcher but Geralt could tell that the bard had energy buzzing through him, and even if he didn’t know that from the way he seemed to just know everything about Jaskier, the way that his hand shook when he snatched Geralt’s mug to steal a drink, and the wild look in his eyes would have been an obvious indicator. The Witcher took it back from him, when only about half of the liquid remained. 

After about an hour of steady drinking the bard had calmed down but was very much intoxicated. He was clinging onto Geralt, with his head on his shoulder singing softly, so softly that if Geralt didn’t have enhanced senses he wouldn’t have been able to hear it. The Witcher was just about to suggest they go to bed for the night when yelling broke out across the room. Both men whipped their heads up to see two men covered in dirt and sweat who both looked about ready to start throwing punches. 

One of them was clutching cards in his hand and he threw them on the floor while yelling, “You’re a fucking liar! I’m not giving you shit, you fucking cheating bastard! I know you did something to my cards!”

The other man whose entire face bright red, took a step forward, “I didn’t fucking cheat! You’re just shit at cards! Give me my fucking coins or I’ll take them from you!”

The fight was cut short by a group of men that had been sitting at the bar pulling the two apart, while the barmaid yelled at them to either figure it out or get out. The two men retreated to separate corners of the room while glaring at each other. That was cut short by the barmaid glaring at the two of them until they turned away from each other. 

Jaskier who was apparently much more drunk than Geralt had previously thought, put his head back down on Geralt’s shoulder and snuggled further into the Witcher’s shoulder, wrapping his own arm around Geralt’s forearm. “I don’t see why lying’s such a big deal.”, he stopped to yawn, “People do it all the time, parents lie to children to get them to eat their vegetables, I lied to my mother for years about only sleeping with women. Hell you still think my name’s Jaskier.”

Geralt choked on his beer, “What?”

“What?”

“You’re name’s not Jaskier?”

“Obviously not.”, the bard said like it was obvious, hardly containing his laughter. “I made the name up when I began travelling on my own.”

“What’s your real name?”, Geralt honestly had just thought the bard was stupid enough to give strangers his real name for years. In Geralt’s defence Jaskier really had no sense of self preservation.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”, with that the bard got up and disappeared up the stairs to the room they were sharing for the night. This left Geralt sitting at the table wondering what purpose Jaskier had for concealing his identity. After a few minutes of pondering this the Witcher realized it didn’t really matter that he didn’t know the bard’s real name, he knew enough about the man to know he could trust him. 

Still there was power in a name, it made sense to keep it protected if one had a good reason. Geralt just couldn’t think of what reason Jaskier would have.

By the time Geralt made it up to the room Jaskier was asleep on top of the covers with his lute still strung to his back. Geralt sighed and took the lute off the younger man, and put him under the covers, before getting in himself.


	2. obligatory bandit scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> every geraskier fic has a bandit scene so here it is!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am incredibly tired so in order to remedy this i was drinking a monster right? spilled about half of that, and then most of the stuff i keep on my nighstand was soaked in "kyle juice", upsetting right? well then i found a big ass spider in the corner of my room. but i ate some pasta and might be over it. only time will tell tho.
> 
> also on a more relevant note this is a bit of a filler chapter

The next time Jaskier’s past was brought up was a month later. The pair had just finished a month long hunt and had immediately gotten back on the road after collecting the coin. 

They had been walking for about two hours, both of them actually walking for once in order to give Roach a bit of a break, even if she was still walking as well.  
The village they had just left was really a few houses grouped together, with no inn, and a sorry excuse for a tavern. They were paid a fair amount by the villagers though, so the job got done. 

Really Geralt would have done the job even if they hadn’t paid him, a shifter had been endangering the children, and though none had been killed yet the Witcher was angry enough that one would have thought all the village children had been.

The shifter had proved itself to be difficult to track down, the job had dragging on, and now both men were tired, which led to short tempers. Geralt had banned talking until they reached the next town, and Jaskier had just huffed and kicked a pebble up the path. 

Jaskier currently looked like he was either about to pass out or puke if he had to stand much longer, so Geralt felt a bit bad for snapping at him, but figured at the very least he would be conserving energy. It was really only a few minutes to the town now, or else he would have just decided to stop for the night. Both men were looking forward to bathing with warm water, and eating something other than dried meat, and nuts.

These plans were disrupted by a group of bandits attempting to jump them by sneaking up behind them on the path. The Witcher however had sensed them and had motioned for Jaskier to get on Roach and hide when he gave a signal. The bard had shot the taller man a questioning look but had done so about five seconds before the first bandit got close enough to grab at Geralt.

The fight was about halfway over with three men laying on the ground, all at varying degrees of consciousness, and four still attempting to disarm the Witcher. When things took a turn for the worse; it really shouldn’t have been surprising considering the shit luck the two seemed to have. That being said it was still annoying.

Geralt could sense Jaskier behind a group of trees; he could smell the tension in the younger man, and tried to speed the fight up. One of the bandits must have noticed Jaskier though, shouting something Geralt couldn’t quite catch. Then two of them made a beeline for the edge of the forest, right where the bard had been hiding.

Geralt heard Jaskier curse and run towards where he had tied Roach to a tree before coming back presumably to watch the fight. Geralt had just finished disarming the last two men when he heard someone cry out, and he could smell blood. 

Sprinting towards the noise he found himself in a clearing where two men were lying prone on the ground; one was unconscious, the other was clutching his arm and moaning in pain. Jaskier was glaring at both of them, looking about as annoyed as if they were a fly that wouldn’t stop circling his head. 

When he noticed Geralt he dropped the sword he was holding and smiled up at him, “Geralt! Thank the gods! Let’s get going, I’m exhausted.”

Jaskier approached the taller man stopping directly in front of him, waiting for the Witcher to start walking. 

“Did you do this?”, Geralt asked as he gestured to the two men.

“Yep.”

“How?”

“With a sword obviously.”, the bard laughed and began to walk away. 

Geralt caught his arm before he could get too far, “Jaskier.”, he growled.

Jaskier didn’t look the slightest bit intimidated. He never really took threats from anyone seriously, let alone Geralt, but he sighed before replying,  
“Dear Witcher, I travelled on my own for two years before I met you. Did you really think I couldn’t defend myself? I make a habit of sleeping with the wrong people, if I couldn’t at least defend myself I'd have died the first time I was caught.”, he patted Geralt’s hand where it was holding him, and pulled it off. “Now you can try to pester me about this after I’ve slept.”

He looked up at the taller man with amusement in his eyes, “After we’ve both slept.”, he corrected; then added, “You sir, are in desperate need of a nap.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have the rest of this fic written!!! it's just not edited yet :( I'm gonna try to have it done by some time tomorrow, no promises tho. i have a bunch of fic ideas, so I'm gonna probably throw a couple one shots out at some point soon! as always feedback is greatly appreciated!!! and thank you for all the kind comments i've gotten!!!! also if anyone knows how i can get the formatting to stop being a bitch plz hmu. i keep adding spaces between the paragraph, like i hit enter, but they just dont stay spaced correctly when i post????


	3. author attempts to lay groundwork for the rest of fic and most likely just confuses everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the title sums it up pretty well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first i want to thank all of you for your kind comments they mean a lot and are honestly why i still have motivation for this fic! like seriously i read some and then immediately opened up the document for this to get at least a chapter out! sorry about how short this is but i needed some groundwork so. also im wearing heart shaped glasses rn and i feel like thats important. also i wrote the rest of this fic awhile back and now its just a matter of editing it and then i forgot about it cuz i started writing a fic where Geralt and Jaskier gate crash pavetta and duny's engagement party while wasted and they were like "lmao thats so funny if we have a kid ur the godfathers"

It had been about a year and a half of them travelling together when a surly man approached them in a tavern. He paid no mind to Geralt, just pointed a large finger at Jaskier and said, “Your father requests your presence at your sister’s betrothal feast.”

Geralt growled up at the man, but was ignored by both the man and the bard who was practically on top of him.

Jaskier to his credit did not look surprised and simply responded, “Which sister?”

“Odilia.”, the man responded.

“Cecily is getting married?”, Jaskier gasped and shot up in his seat, pushing off of Geralt’s arm, so he was now kneeling on the booth.

“Yes my lord; if you want to make it back in time you will have to leave in the morning.”

“Is she even of courting age? The last time I saw her she was only sixteen!”

“She’s eighteen now my lord.”

“How did you even find me?”, the bard was practically vibrating with excitement as he stared up at the man.

“One of the guards saw you on the path about a month back.”

“Can my friend here join us?”, the bard put his arm around Geralt’s shoulder, still kneeling as he put the side of his face on the Witcher’s head and gave the man his best puppy dog eyes.

The man seemed to have just noticed Geralt for the first time, “Of course my lord.”

Jaskier seemed to get even more excited, though Geralt had a suspicion that there wasn’t any possibility of the man saying no, “Fantastic! Geralt this is Milo, Milo this is Geralt.”

Milo looked surprised, “The White Wolf!”, he bowed, “It’s an honor.”

Geralt grunted extremely uncomfortable with the formalness; causing Jaskier to laugh, “No need to be so formal Milo! I’ve told you at least a hundred times you don’t need to call me ‘my lord’’, he made his voice extra snobbish for the last bit, “and poor Geralt will have a conniption if you bow again!”

Milo huffed a laugh while smiling down at the bard, and ruffled his hair, “You always were a good kid Julian.”

Geralt choked on his drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna try to finish editing the rest of this and post it tonight/tomorrow morning. but uhh knowing my stupid goblin brain ill probably end up adding like another chapter, but also im kinda unhappy with one of the chapters i have so far so i gotta figure that jazz out but as of now i have two more chapters planned!


	4. Multiple creative liberties were taken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't remember much about what I was thinking when i originally wrote this so now I'm just going with whatever past me wanted. Also I basically just rewrote Jaskier's entire backstory to fit my story, and the best part is I don't remember doing it! I was very sleep-deprived when i wrote the first draft, like more so than I am now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning the phrase "man-whore" is used in here kind of as an insult, but it's more like a joking insult, it's hard to explain. it's right after "she lookd at him thoughfully", and is at the end of that paragraph if you want to skip it. I don't feel like editing the fic tags so just gonna say it here for anyone who reads these there are ocs in here.

As soon as the door for their room closed behind him Geralt turned to Jaskier, “Julian?”

Jaskier groaned and covered his eyes with his arm, “No.”, he fell back onto the bed and laid on his back.

“Your real name is Julian.”

“My given name is Julian, my real name is Jaskier.”

“Not according to Milo.”, he paused and leaned over Jaskier with one hand on either side of the bard’s head. “My lord.”, he smirked.

“You’re feeling talkative tonight.”, Jaskier pushed his face away and sat up.

“Hmm”, the Witcher sat down on the end of the bed next to the smaller man.

“There it goes.”, the bard sighed.

“Julian.”, the Witcher shot back.

Jaskier huffed, “I hate that name.”

“Why?”

“It’s dumb.”

The Witcher laughed as he watched his bard pace the small room throwing a tantrum.

“I’m serious Geralt, Julian Alfred Pankratz, Viscount de Lettenhove, does not have the same ring to it as Jaskier! Jaskier is the name of a bard, Julian is the name of a prat.”

The Witcher sighed and crossed the room to where the bard was standing with his arms crossed, he put his hands on the younger man’s hips and looked softly down at him, “It is a stupid name.”

Jaskier laughed and looked surprised, “Why do you think I changed it!”

“My first guess for why you changed your name would have been you needing to escape some lord after you slept with his wife.”

“I hardly have time to sleep with anyone’s wife these days.”, he smiled and laid his arms on Geralt’s shoulders. “Much too busy sleeping with you.”, he leaned up to kiss the taller man.

“I would say you spend most of your time running your mouth little lark.”, the Witcher closed the gap between the two.

“You love my mouth.”, he stepped back and patted Geralt’s shoulder, “Now I need to figure out what to wear for the betrothal feast.”

Geralt sat on the bed and watched as the bard began to go through his clothes, “How many sister’s do you have?”

“Four.”, he sat back on his heels as he looked between two shirts, as if the moonlight gleaming through the window was going to tell him which to wear, “I’m right in the middle, Aethelu, Rhoslyn, Me, Odilia, and Rhea.”

“Who’s Cecily?”

Jaskier sighed and sat down on the floor with the shirts in his lap, “We all used to call Odilia, Cecily when she was younger, it means blind, and she might as well be with how little she pays attention to her surroundings.”, he laughed softly but it sounded more like a sigh. “I suppose only I use the name anymore.”

He put the shirts down settling on the floor with his legs crossed, putting his hands in his lap, “Once my father’s sister was visiting and we were having dinner, and it wasn’t until half way through when she asked Odilia a question that she even noticed she was there.”, he smiled down at his lap, sadness and nostalgia mixed in his eyes.

“Why’d you leave?”, Geralt asked softly.

“There was nothing I could achieve by staying there. I wanted to find my own place in the world. Aethelu and her wife, Yasmine, will rule when my father passes, Rhoslyn is to become Head Guard, she’s the best swordsman Lettenhove as ever had, Odilia is the most talented painter I’ve ever met, for all the details she misses in daily life, she captures them perfectly in her paintings, and Rhea is still young but I can tell she will achieve great things. They all seem content to stay in Lettenhove, but I’ve always been restless.”

The Witcher studied the man in front of him for a minute before asking, “Do you think you’ve found your place in the world then?”

Blue eyes met golden ones as the bard responded, “I think I have.”

A comfortable silence blanketed the air for a few charged seconds before the Witcher broke it, “Hmm.”

The bard huffed out a laugh, “Back to charted waters then? Don’t want to have another conversation?”

“Hmm.”

“You really do have a daily word limit huh?”, he received no response other than an arm around his waist as he laid down on the bed, “Good night Geralt.”

The journey to Lettenhove only took about half a day, and the sun was at its peak as they were putting Roach into the castle stables. There was a young girl sitting on a stable door reading; her face mostly obscured by a straw hat with a light pink ribbon tied around it; strands of soft blond hair fell on her shoulders. Her hair had at one point been tied back with a pink ribbon, that matched the one on the hat. The only proof of that statement was the ribbon that was tangled to a few strands of hair. 

Geralt winced just looking at it, he had tied his hair back plenty of times, and it was never pleasant trying to get bands out when they knotted themselves, it would be worse considering this girl’s hair was somewhat curly. 

Jaskier glanced at Geralt to see what he was looking at with such an expression and his face broke out in a grin, “Cecily!”, he shouted his arms spread wide.  


The girl in question looked up in shock and almost fell off the door. She caught herself at the last second and hopped down, “Julian!”, she ran over to hug him, forgetting her book on the door. Geralt walked over and grabbed it while the siblings chattered excitedly. 

When Geralt stopped behind Jaskier the girl looked up at him and he noticed she had the same bright blue eyes as Jaskier, “Are you Julian’s companion?”, she asked over exaggerating on ‘companion’.

Geralt nodded as he handed her the book. 

She smirked, “Good for him, terrible for you.”

Jaskier gasped, “Geralt adores my company! Tell her Geralt!”

Geralt grunted in response

“HA!”, the bard shouted stomping his foot into the ground, as his hands shot out in the air.

Odilia turned around from where she had begun to walk off, “Wait Geralt? Like Geralt of Rivia? The White Wolf?”, she over exaggerated on ‘the’

Geralt grunted again and nodded once.

She gasped, “Rhea will be thrilled!” 

Jaskier looked elated, “Has Rhea heard ‘Toss A Coin’?”

She started walking again; they followed her up a hill covered in long green grass towards the castle, “Oh yea she loves it, her and half the continent.”, Odilia scrunched her nose.

“You don’t like it?”, Jaskier asked incredulously.

“Nah too…”, she shook her hand in a motion Geralt didn’t understand.

Jaskier however seemed to understand it perfectly and gasped while clutching at his heart, “I forgot how rude you lot are.”

Odilia rolled her eyes, “It’s not like you wrote it. Gods I forgot how dramatic you are.”

“I’ve got terrible news for you my darling sister.”, the bard’s eyes lit up with mischief. 

Odilia stopped walking completely this time, and both men saw the moment she realized, “Gods it’s been five minutes and you’re already being a pain in my ass.”, with that she started walking again.

Jaskier laughed and then took a few quick steps to catch up with her, “You act like my song personally offended you.”

“It has.”, the blond stated. “Rhea has been singing it nonstop since she heard some village children singing it, and she does not know the words.”, she exaggerated on ‘not’.

Geralt briefly wondered if the whole family was this dramatic, remembered that they’re related to Jaskier, and settled on the conclusion that they definitely are.

As if to prove Geralt right Jaskier began singing ‘Toss A Coin’, as loud as he can while Odilia grabbed her skirt and began sprinting away, which only caused Jaskier to sing louder and chase her. 

If it wasn’t for their eyes, and dramatics Geralt wouldn’t have known the two were related. Odilia seemed to be much more cynical than Jaskier, and her dress was much more plain than anything Geralt had ever seen Jaskier in, a simple white cotton with a design of blue and green flowers, with a pink bow that matched the one in her hair around her waist. 

As they reached the entrance to the castle a young girl with long curly brown hair leaped off the top step, screaming at the top of her lungs and was caught at the last second by Geralt. The Witcher was helplessly confused and very uncomfortable with the way the girl took his face in her hands and squished his cheeks, “You have kitty eyes!”, she squealed. 

Geralt hmm’d as the girl was pried off of him by Jaskier who was cackling, and muttering “kitty eyes!” 

“Rhea you can’t jump off the steps anymore you know how much it upsets Father.”, Odilia reprimanded. The girl in question turned and stuck out her tongue, ignoring the offended gasp behind her as she turned to take Jaskier’s face in her hands and proceeded to squish his cheeks. She looked at him thoughtfully all the while, and then smiled when she seemed to figure out whatever she had been pondering, “Man-whore!”, she declared sounding quite pleased with herself.

Odilia sighed at that and walked away, but Jaskier just laughed before putting the girl down. “Hello to you too Rhea.”

“Rhoslyn says you’ve been sleeping your way across the continent!”

Jaskier laughed again, “I’ve been doing other things as well.”

“Doxy.”

“Hellion.”

This sent the girl into a laughing fit. 

Geralt shot Jaskier a questioning look but the bard just shrugged

“Come on”, the girl grabbed Jaskier’s hand, “Father asked me to watch for when you arrived.”, she began tugging the man’s wrist to make him follow her. It really was a comical sight, the girl dragging Jaskier who was easily twice her size, and him just following.

“So Rhea”, Jaskier began, “I heard your a fan of ‘Toss A Coin’”

The girl stopped and looked up at Jaskier, “I’m going to be a Witcher”, she said gravely, as she gestured to her outfit. Jaskier had to hold back a laugh, it did look a bit like something Geralt would wear, without the armor. “I’ll show you my sword later, Rhoslyn has been teaching me to fight.”, she continued as she began walking again.

“Would you like to meet Geralt of Rivia?”, Jaskier asked leaning down so he was a bit closer to the girl’s eye level.

“Yes!”, Rhea yelled, the sounding echoing off the stone walls that surrounded the trio.

“Geralt say hi.”, Jaskier turned to look at him, flashing him a grin.

“Hi.”, the Witcher said awkwardly.

The girl looked up at him with familiar blue eyes, “I bet I could beat you in a fight.”, she stated without a hint of mirth in her voice.

Jaskier laughed clearly delighted with her response, Geralt simply responded with, “hmm”

Rhea ended up showing them to what seemed to be Jaskier’s room, then very seriously instructed them to, “be in the Great Hall at sundown, or else”, before stomping off down the hall like a tiny guard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is going to be easily two more chapters because I have no impulse control. I literally have an entire essay due tomorrow that I have yet to start but I got motivated for this cuz yall are nice as fuck in the comments. this chapter was a bit short but is probably about the length the last two-ish chapter's will be. also i literally appreciate yall so much i would have zero motivation to write without you guys being so sweet. im going to try to do more similar stuff with this. probably gonna do a small sequel to this fic in the future or maybe like a short epilogue. idk i literally can only write this au rn for some reason. i do have some ideas for future fics and one crackfic partially written that will probably get thrown out here at some point soon, after this is done.

**Author's Note:**

> any feedback is much appreciated!! i have like one to two more chapters written that i still need to edit, and how fast i post those is pretty much reliant on if people like this and want more cuz tbh im on a writing kick rn and im just cranking shit out, so i have a couple things on the back burner that might get my full attention, idk. i have to figure out how i want to end this. ill post the whole thing at some point tho i think. also everything i write is just "lets see how many meme references i can stick together and call it a story." also apologies if this doesnt make any sense because im at the point of tired where your eyes hurt. also huge thank you to all the positive feedback i got on my last fic!!! yall r the reason i even got this out so fast!!!


End file.
